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I really never thought about loving again after my break up. I never thought that these person will make me something I am not. I never thought that this friendship would stay longer than I’ve expected. I usually thought that this relationship would only last for a couple of days if I show them the real me. I’ve never thought of going through the pain again just to satisfy my cravings for love. My mind was set up and I admitted to myself that I am me, that there’s nothing I could do about myself - ugly, unworthy and bad. But God. These people made me feel special. They made me feel that I’m beautiful, that there’s something in me that some people will think that I don’t have and they made me feel that I’m great. I thought, “This is a dream”. If it is, I would rather stay asleep forever. I love this feeling even though I am afraid that this feeling might be temporary.
It was 9 am in the morning, I woke up early for the practice. I wore the best outfit I found in my closet and went to the meeting place. I was late and saw 9 people out of 12 for the practice. I thought, “Oh well its fine”. Then another group for practice was with us. It was break time and I sat near him. “Hey, I like you”, he said in the weird way. I smiled and said, “Baliw”. He said that he is not joking. Since then, he calls me “’crush”. After the practice, some of us went home and some of us went to the bar nearby. I was one of the guys and gals who went to the nearby bar. My friend told me that I should accompany them because the boys can’t handle their selves when they are drunk. There’s one person who kisses people when he’s drunk (the one who calls me “crush”), there’s a person who hugs people then sleeps on the person he’s hugging and there’s a person who hallucinates when he’s drunk. The four girls with me told me that the boys were too much to handle and we can’t leave them alone like that. The person who kisses people when he’s drunk was really nice and jolly. Thankfully, I’m not one of his victims. The boys were drunk after 2 bottles down. The person who kisses people when he’s drunk said weird things and the other boys laughed. The person who hallucinates, pointed at the wall and said that there’s a star. These crazy people who are quiet in class are awesome. Ha! The person who kisses people was beside me. He asked if he may kiss me. I said no. I told him “you’re drunk you should go home”. Then we walked to the bus station. He said that I should go with them. I really want to go and not miss the fun but my parents might scold me for getting home late. Luckily, there’s a visitor at home. I went straight to my bedroom and saw 6 messages.
“Ahy, snob ako ni crush”
“I love you, crush”
I can’t stop laughing. I thought “Drunks do say careless things”. Those things were not true. But then, in class, he holds my hand and I shake it off, he calls me crush and never let other boys touch me. I pray that I won’t fall to you because I know that you love her too. Ching! Haha. To tell you the truth, I kinda just think that he’s a friend.
There’s this person who treats me like his sibling. He pats my head when I’m upset and I lend my shoulder for him to cry on literary. I think it’s cute. They show their weaknesses instead of pretending of someone they are not. He likes to brush my cheeks and brush my hair to the side. He’s the person I like to be with always. God. Finally, I admitted it. Today, or professor was out because of the school stuff. My friends and I decided to play bowling. My friend said that we would looked like an idiot if the three of us will play there. She said that it’s fun if the whole class would join us. This person who treats me like his sibling and his friend joined us. Then when we’re about to hop in the bus they backed out. So the three of us just went to the mall and played in the arcade. We still have class after our long vacant. We decided to go back and when we got there, the person who treats me like his sibling was drunk. Those people who drunk alcohol were most likely to smell disgusting but he did not smell like that. His scent was like fresh, sweet even though he’s sweating. He was leaning on my shoulder and asked if he’s annoying. He kept playing with my hair. Tickling my ear while his head is on my shoulder. Then I stopped his hands. He looked straight into my eye and said, “tol, crush kita”. Then he kept poking my cheek and he held my rough hand. I know that he’s drunk which means he’s joking but still I wished that those words were true. But that’s just the wish of the selfish me. Because in my heart I still love the person who helped me discover the real me.
I don’t know if this is old but listening to the music with this person makes this person attractive to me. Yes I’m attracted to this person. I’m really weird. But this person plays songs like it’s for me. Every day we stay for like hours in the library listening to the music in this person’s iPod. This person knows that I like the music with piano. I don’t know but this person makes me feel belonged and I’m not just Jane.
So yeah. Maybe one of this three will open my heart and I might love again.
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